As you may have heard from Mopsy, I have been grounded by The Body. I discovered how to make cell phone calls from The Body’s phone. It’s an imprecise thing, breasts making phone calls. As often happens, I misdialed and ended up having a sparkling conversation with a woman named Carmelita on Grand Cayman Island.

Ends up Carmelita lives near the Boatswain’s Beach Cayman Turtle Farm. She has a deep love for the turtles, she told me. As I was speaking with Carmelita, Mopsy nudged me and told me to ask her about offshore banking. I didn’t know what that was, but asked her anyway.

She told me that her friend deals with offshore accounts, and if you make a lot of money in the United States, it is a good idea. Maybe Mopsy is onto something. We should try to shelter our vast income. We are independent breasts, after all. Part of being independent breasts is being responsible with our money.

At any rate, one thing led to another, and we stayed on the phone for about an hour or two while The Body snored away. Although The Body has an unlimited cell phone plan, she does get charged for international calls. How was I to know that the Grand Cayman Islands was long distance? I mean we have a Grand Canyon here in the States, don’t we?

The Body usually never notices when Mopsy and I have made phone calls on her cell phone, but this time she noticed the call. She also noticed when I put Carmelita on speed dial and called her back the next three nights.

The Body pulled me aside (and I can tell you, being ‘pulled aside’ for a breast is not at all a comfortable thing) and we had a long talk. She explained to me, using a globe as a visual aide. I was a little offended. I mean, I knew the world was round.

The Body took a magic marker and drew an outline around what she called “her calling area”. Read: acceptable places for me to call. Then she pointed to where Carmelita lives. Clearly outside this magic line.

I suppose I am lucky that I only got grounded. Next time, The Body said that any international calls will come out of my wages.

I am a little sad. Having made a new not-so-bosom buddy in Carmelita, I now need to figure out how we can still keep in touch. I thought about sending her a postcard, but I don’t have her address. Do you think she would get a postcard if I sent it to the Turtle Farm, care of Carmelita? I also didn’t ask for her email or IM. I never once thought the rug would be pulled out from under my new friendship. When she’s in a better mood, I’ll have to renegotiate with The Body.

I feel very lucky that my True Love isn’t the jealous type. After all, Carmelita and I are just friends.

The Body let me do this post, but I can’t touch the computer or phone for an entire week. While I am grounded, you might notice more posts from Mopsy, but I will be back really soon.

Lots of My Fabulous Love,

Flopsy

The heat pump in our house has been acting up for months now. During summer, The Body thought the air conditioner was low on freon. Simple refill needed, but then winter rolled around and the heat seemed to be working well. We all thought we were out of the woods.

That is until yesterday. It’s been cold outside anyway, but inside it’s been downright nipply. It’s been uncomfortable, to say the least.

Since The Body has had so much on her plate lately and tends to procrastinate everything anyway, I took matters into my own hands and called a heating and cooling (HVAC) repairman out to the house. Flopsy taught me how to make calls on The Body’s cell phone. That’s a post for another day, since Flopsy was grounded for calling the Grand Cayman Islands accidentally.

You can imagine my surprise when the repairman showed up in this…

The repairman came in, scratched his ‘boys’,  looked around, made small talk and asked for a cup of coffee, claiming he needed to “warm up” before looking at the heat pump. Fifteen minutes of the dullest conversation imaginable later, he started work.

He said that the thermostat was broken. Brilliant man. Hmph. Yes, I did notice that since it has not moved in days. It took him half an hour to come to that conclusion.  I certainly hope he didn’t charge The Body by the hour. I wonder if I will forever be so much more intelligent than those around me? It’s a blessing… and a curse.

Thanks to me, we now have heat. Good thing too, as it is supposed to snow again this weekend. If I had waited for The Body to call for repairs, we would have been huddled around a gaggle of tea lights for warmth all weekend.

All My Best,

~ Mopsy

Our True Loves were ecstatic about the gifts we sent them for Valentine’s Day. And with our very own money too! Well, mostly our own money. The Body had to help out a little bit [but not much].

We were very surprised when the UPS man came to deliver two packages. One for Flopsy and the other for me. The packages were from our True Loves! My heart melted to think that she thought highly enough of me to pay a man in brown shorts to knock on my front door… And it was raining! Sigh…

Flopsy started to cry again, but this time it was tears of joy. The Body couldn’t get too mad. Plus, we were inside the house so no one thought she was lactating this time.

Our True Loves sent us joint gifts. It’s refreshing to see two breasts who get along and can make  decisions together without arguing and bartering. I doubt Flopsy and I will ever get there. God knows we’ve had enough time to try.

This was a spectacular find on their part. I am sure my True Love was the brilliance behind this, but I don’t want to make Flopsy feel too bad, so I stay silent. [Well, except on here...]

The first gift was a USB Breast Warmer all the way from Japan!

This was a photo of the box. I am not sure what’s going on with THAT Body’s left arm, it looks sadly under-inflated, but the warmers were a stroke of true genius. Our True Loves had heard so much about all the snow and rain that we had this year and how cold we’ve been. They were afraid we would get too nipply in the chill. Very considerate.

Now we can plug in and warm ourselves, getting rather cozy while we write our blog! So long as The Body doesn’t get up to get coffee or go to the bathroom, it works flawlessly. Once The Body forgot and dragged the laptop around the house for several minutes.

They also sent us these amazing flowers from a man called FTD.

I am sure FTD stands for “Flowers To Divas”. The box has a picture of a very fey-looking young man on it. No breasts in sight.

The Body loaned us her nice cranberry glass classy vase and we cut the stems ourselves. It gave me quite a feeling of accomplishment and I think that I would like to study horticulture. When we woke up the next morning, the whole house smelled gloriously of roses!

At that point, Flopsy started crying again because it reminded her of her True Love and being so far apart. She then bucked up, used the breast warmer and was in a great mood the rest of the day! Plus, she was toasty warm.

These are the first gifts we have ever given or received as truly independent breasts. It was a momentous occasion. Just think what we can do the next time once we have some more cash under our belts.

To that end, I have been studying the stock market and Forex Trade simulations. I plan to make our money grow and be not only independent breasts, but very wealthy, if not down right filthy rich breasts. Can’t you just see us rolling in dough? It’s so exciting!

We plan to travel the world to meet and study indigenous breasts from other lands and cultures. Maybe I will teach them horticulture and Flopsy can teach them acting and all aspects of breaking into show business. I would also like to visit all the worldwide chapters of Mammary Mensa as a motivational speaker and life coach. To date, there are 124 chapters in 35 countries. I feel strongly that it is my duty to try to emancipate breasts the world over. 

We’ve discussed renting a car and think we have found just the right one for us. We just hope this gorgeous little Mini will be available to lease when we are ready to travel. It even almost has our initials on the hood. We aren’t sure what the H stands for, but we’ll figure it out. It suits us, wouldn’t you agree?

All the Best -

  ~Mopsy

As you know, Mopsy and I now have a job (this blog) and get paid $5 from The Body per post that we do. We opened our own checking account and are all set up to treat our True Loves to a wonderful, romantic, sexy Valentine’s Day with our own money!!! The other day our Visa Check Card came and I am so excited to use it for the first time. I may scream, “Chhhhaaaaarrrrggge!” at the top of my lungs with gusto.

So far we have $35. It’s not as much as we hoped, but it feels so good to have our own money. The Body didn’t want to take us shopping. I was very angry with her for a while, but I suppose she does the best that a Body can. She said she refused to lift her shirt to show us things in the mall.

Mopsy suggested we take matters into our own hands and shop online. This solves a few problems for us. First, we can have our Valentine delivered to our True Loves and second, The Body doesn’t have to participate. It would be what two truly independent breasts would do.

That’s when we discovered a magical forest of gifts called Amazon. We even started our own shop. You can see it here. Be sure to check out my own category of favorite items. They are truly breastacular! 

The problem that we found was that $35 between two breasts doesn’t get us very far. For example, I wanted to buy my True Love a beautiful lacy piece of lingerie or a bustier. I discovered it’s hard to buy designer on our income. Not only that, but Mopsy insists on giving brainiac gifts instead.

In fact, Mopsy really pitched a fit and put her foot down that I not give my True Love something that would have to be suffered by her True Love. This ruled out lingerie entirely. This is one of the problems of being half of a pair of breasts. Compromise, compromise, compromise.

So this is what we got our True Loves:

Flopsy’s True Love Valentine:




Mopsy's True Love Valentine:



From Both of Us:

The Body said she would cover shipping on these things since we only had $35. That was very nice. She has her moments, you know.

Now Mopsy and I find ourselves broke again, but it felt so fabulous to buy our own gifts for the first time in our lives! I am excited to live the dream of a truly independent breast.

I am so proud today! Our checks from our newly opened bank account arrived and they are fabulous. I talked Mopsy and The Body into letting Mopsy and I have pink breast cancer checks. Nice touch, I thought. Mopsy wanted Einstein checks, but I ask you… who wants a guy with freaky hair on their checks? That’s so passe.
Now that our checks have arrived, Mopsy and I are thinking about what to get our True Loves in California for Valentine’s Day. It’s the first time that we, as independent breasts, have had the opportunity to purchase gifts for anyone. The Body always did that for us, but since we now have a job as  writers of this blog and our own bank account, we have our own cash. Look out world! Here we come!

I wonder how many other breasts can say the same? I mean I have heard of Breast Insurance for movie stars and porn queens, but never other breasts working a job and getting paid. Not even in Mopsy’s Mammary Mensa Group, and those are some genius breasts we are talking about!

Flopsy and Mopsy Breast

Looks impressive, doesn’t it?

Flopsy - freelance writer, Diva, actress, model and entrepreneurial left breast  

I imagine that Mopsy’s business card will say something boring and intelligent like:

Mopsy - blogger, nightshirt physicist, Chair of Mammary Mensa, cat lover, genius, absolutely brilliant right breast

Our next post will be about what we got our True Loves for Valentine’s Day. We are still trying to decide whether to shop online, or have The Body take us to a mall. Then again, if we go to a mall, The Body might not want to lift her shirt to show us things…

Do I have to say it again? I ain’t lactating, dammit!

Mopsy here. Yes, when I get really, really angry, I say ain’t. And right now, I am hopping mad. Truly.

Once again, due to Flopsy’s foibles, I am forced into a situation because The Body can’t treat us as individuals. It’s insulting.

Flopsy has been missing her one True Love so much that all she can do these days is cry, cry, cry and heave a sob, then cry some more. It got so bad that The Body was getting a little embarrassed  because all of Flopsy’s tears made her shirts wet as if she were a leaking, nursing Mom. Not that leaking or nursing or being a Mom are bad things, except when you aren’t one. Then, it’s just weird.

The Body tried to console Flopsy and even let her speak to her one True Love on the phone a few times. Truthfully, that just made things much worse. Flopsy started crying even more! The Body really got pushed over the edge when walking past a bar and was lasciviously asked to join a wet t-shirt
contest.

In desperation, The Body went out and bought a nursing bra. It’s horrible! It’s terrible! I feel like I am suffering from claustrophobia all the time and I can’t breathe. Do you know nursing bras chafe the skin? If I can’t breathe then it may kill my brain cells and I will be in danger of being kicked out of Mammary Mensa and will have to step down as the Chair.

This distresses me to no end. Simply because Flopsy can’t get a grip, I have to suffer.

And I ain’t lactating, dammit!

Things got worse when Flopsy started having panic attacks and kept filling up her cup with tears. She almost drowned once or twice. With the True Love all the way in California, there would be no one to give her mouth-to-mouth. She decided poke little holes in the bra so she could breathe. First, can I just say for the record that I feel it was very unfair of her to do that without telling me. I am the one keeping it together and I am the one being punished due to Flopsy’s tears.

Flopsy got a hold of a pin left by Inspector 56 on a new shirt that The Body bought. Flopsy then poked a zillion tiny holes into the nursing bra, making something like a watering can top out of it. They say that necessity is the mother of invention and it must be true. This is wickedly brilliant, especially for a breast like Flopsy who usually relies on me to come up with the bright ideas.

Things are strained between us right now.

The Body, without knowing about the holes, went to the supermarket. Flopsy managed to hold it together until we got to the checkout line. Then she lost it, started hyperventilating and out came the waterworks. There was The Body, standing at the checkout line with multiple streams of Flopsy-tears running down the left side of her body. It wasn’t a little spot mind you, but an absolute torrent. It was then that I realized the holes were in the shape of a heart.

The Body had to wring out her shirt when we got home. She took off the nursing bra to inspect it. Aaaahhhh sweet air! The Body was really very cross with Flopsy when she saw the holes. But when The Body noticed the shape of the heart, she started to melt. She immediately tossed that wretched bra over the waterspout to use in the garden this spring and hopped onto the internet.

Flospy, The Body and I spent the rest of the evening on the phone with our True Loves looking at hotels for a getaway on the Oregon Coast. This made Flopsy brighten tremendously.

We’ll make up soon. I’m sure of it. It’s just that it’s hard to live in close proximity with such a drama queen. Then again, how long can you go without talking when you share not only The Body, but the bra and nightshirt too.

The other day Mopsy and I received a very painful letter from an avid reader of our blog. She said that she feels inadequate compared to Mopsy and I because we are double Ds and she is a B cup on a good day… And perhaps with a little tissue paper… Or a gym sock… Or two…

This made me very sad. I am a firm supporter of breast equality. I think all breasts are beautiful. Well, except that model Mary Segovia, and bless her. It was a tragic mistake to have that surgery.

For instance, Mopsy and I are often propositioned to do all sorts of seedy activities that are beneath us. These include wet t-shirt contests, pole dancing, working as singing strip-o-grams, mud and oil wrestling (gross) and getting more lowbrow attention than we would like. This is due to our size and has nothing to do with our sparkling personalities or our wit, charm, talent and smarts.

We are tired of our smaller sisters getting a bad rap. Breasts are like weight. They say no one is overweight, they are just in the wrong country, and the same is true with breasts.

Now it is true that Mospy and I have larger-than -life personalities, but I would like to think that this would be the case even if we were much, much, much smaller.

Mopsy and I went on strike. We were really frustrated with The Body. As you know, she promised to take us to the bank to open our own account last week. Though we drove past many banks, we never stopped. She said there was not enough time, and since she cannot drive due to the ankle surgery and recovery, we all have to rely on other people to drive us everywhere.

Mopsy and I tried pouting, whining, pleading and ended the week twiddling our nipples in anticipation. We decided the only way to spur The Body into action was to go on strike. Mopsy and I promised not to write any more blog posts until The Body made good on her promise. Now we understand the power of unions, and might even start a Boobie Union in the future. It worked!

Yesterday The Body took us to the bank. After much research, we decided to open our account at Wells Fargo Bank. It’s reputable, close to home and they also have locations in Southern California so we can take our True Loves out on a date when we are there. It was either that or Bank of America, and several years ago The Body had a bad experience with B of A, so she refused to take us there.

It was a very cold day Tuesday, so Mopsy and I decided it would be prudent to put on our striped wool knit hats so we wouldn’t get too nipply. Mopsy pointed out that if we had to sign our signature cards today, and wrote a check during summer, they might question our nipple prints if we were too cold due to the weather. We needn’t have worried. The air conditioning blasted so strongly in the bank, despite  the cold weather outside, that we had no choice as to the stance of our nipples. As soon as we removed our wool hats, our nipples went all pointy anyway.

We sat down with the branch manager, a lovely woman with the name of Eunice Von Mahkedep, to start our new financial journey. We had a lot of questions for her and worked up a list the week before. Sadly, The Body irritatingly changed her shirt and our notes were on the inside of her nightshirt. We had to wing it from memory.

Eunice insisted we call her by her first name. She was very helpful and explained the different options in savings, checking and money market accounts. She commended us on our entrepreneurial spirit. We did get some bad news though. Ends up nipple prints are not an accepted form of identification since there is no database as of yet for them. Our spirits dropped and we sagged a little at the news.

Eunice came up with a solution for our situation and we perked right back up. She suggested that The Body open the account, and have our names on the account as well. This means The Body will have to supply the fingerprint, but Mopsy and I can sign our checks by using our nipples. It was a great compromise, even though we really wanted to do this all on our own. We are attached to The Body, so I suppose it will have to do.

I asked for a copy of the signature card so we could share it with you, but Eunice suggested this might be a security risk. She is absolutely right. There are so many things that two breasts need to consider when venturing into financial freedom.

This means that Mopsy and I now have a job, a checking account and a goal. Once we have some money socked away, we will expand, opening a savings and a money market account. The future looks bright and we are very excited!

Yours Dearly,

~ Flopsy

Flopsy and I are so excited! The other day we were discussing how to get a job and what two breasts could do for a living that did not entail being arrested. How do you handcuff a breast anyway? At that point in our discussion, The Body pulled us up by the bra straps and said she thought this blog was like a job for us. The Body is now our employer and we are getting paid $5 per blog post from her. Secretly I think she wants to keep us under her thumb and doesn’t want to see us out in the world without her. Either way, we are both over the moon about the news. We can’t wait to tell our True Loves in California this great news!

The Body said she would take us to open a bank account next week. I’ve heard banks take fingerprints as identification now. I hope this doesn’t hinder our plans. Will they make an exception and take nipple prints instead? Are nipple prints as unique for identification as fingerprints? We wouldn’t want another breast to be able to access our account. We’ve heard identity theft horror stories. I suppose we will find out when we discuss our plans with the Bank Manager.

It does bring up a interesting conundrum. What will Flopsy and I do with our newfound income? How will we spend our money? We’ve never had our own income stream before, so this is all very new to us, but The Body assures us we are very independent breasts and deserve to have some autonomy.

Flopsy and I put our heads together and decided our first purchase would be our very own iPod. We’re trying to decide on the color. Flopsy wants pink but I prefer the classic silver. We can’t agree on what to load it up with either. Flopsy wants fill up all the space on it with hip-hop while I prefer Books on Tape and Brahms. We are hoping we will have enough to purchase the video version of the iPod so that we can also watch movies under the nightshirt at night without waking The Body. Again, our tastes are conflicted. Flopsy wants to watch things like Bring It On over and over. I think she always regrets not becoming a cheerleader and twirling pompoms. I, on the other hand, prefer to watch PBS and National Geographic.

I also enjoy Animal Planet. You might wonder if breasts like animals. I want you to know that I for one love animals and cuddle up nightly with a kitten named Victor and we watch our favorite shows together. We have a very special bond. During this time Flopsy nods off, bored senseless.

So, Flopsy and I have solved two of our life problems this week. The first is our artistic expression and the second is how to make money. It ends up that both have been solved by this blog. We feel very lucky.

~ All the Best,
   Mopsy

It’s Christmas Eve and Mopsy and I wanted to wish you a very happy holiday season!

Christmas Eve is one of our favorite days of the year. We usually get a new bra, but the best part of the day is hanging tinsel and icicles from the tree. This year The Body we are attached to had ankle surgery and getting around on crutches for six to twelve weeks is not something we really look forward to. It cramps our style and we constantly seem to be running into each other, but we are trying to be kind to The Body and hang around the best we can.

This year is bittersweet. Mopsy and I are apart from our True Loves by 1,000 miles and this makes us sad. We have been staying up nights, plotting under covers and nightshirt with a flashlight when The Body is asleep. We want to hitchhike to California. We’ve been using the inside of The Body’s nightshirt to draw our diagrams, maps and plans. This is a little bit of a problem when the shirts get changed. We lose all of our work. We think we can use a notepad, but the problem is always finding a hiding place from The Body. She is very nosy and we don’t get away with much without her knowing about it.

So far Mopsy figured out a way to glue a thumb onto a stick so we can hold it. The biggest problem we have with hitchhiking is that we have no arms or thumbs. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am pretty certain of my ability to stop traffic, but I couldn’t leave Mopsy behind. We met our True Loves earlier this year and were able to spend a wonderful five weeks together during the summer. Since then, it has been a few snatched days or weeks here and there, and frankly, it just isn’t enough.

The Body overheard Mopsy and I whispering one night while we were plotting and all hell broke loose. Can you believe she listened in on us without saying a word? Then the following day, she spent a good part of the day looking for our flashlight and diagrams. She didn’t find the diagrams because Mopsy is the brainiac that thought of using the inside of the nightshirt. Hours later, the flashlight came loose from its hiding place and dropped to the ground with a thud and The Body found it. That’s nearly getting caught red-nippled.

The Body lectured us for at least an hour on all the safety issues with hitchhiking. She said she loves us and would miss us, but seemed more worried about an imaginary flat-chested woman picking us up with ulterior motives for us. I’m not sure I fully understand this, but The Body was pretty worked up about it. Usually The Body is pretty good to us and we are equally attached to her, but I don’t think she realizes something has shifted for us.

Before we were content to lay around in our hammock bra all day. Now, we have seen more of the world and our hearts pine for our True Loves and to be near them all the time. I would mention their names, but our True Loves aren’t as ‘out’ as we are and have asked to remain anonymous. Mopsy and I, we are lucky breasts in many ways. The Body lets us express ourselves, and even set up this blog and website for us to communicate with the world. We have traveled all over the world including Germany, England, Austria, Canada, Mexico and other places. Is it wrong to say we are well-traveled breasts? Yet, we are restless and heartsick… Sigh…